We all love being loved. Lets accept that. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. To be wanted, cherished & fulfil somebody else’s life. Right? Add to that a dash of expectations set by beautiful cinema & charming books that tell us of a happy ever after. The sun sets with the soul mates holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes.
Sounds perfect. Except that it isn’t.
Sometimes in life, these beautiful, picture postcards like situations are challenged. The love story is turned upside down by a rude shock, evil lie, death of a partner, cheating companion or another such circumstance. What then? Do we continue to live in misery? I am sure you would say no. Then why is it that we often find one partner who continues to suffer? Infact, they seem to love that misery rather than make any effort of stepping away.
The straightforward answer is: The fear of being ALONE.
There, I said it.
Before you bring on the protest to why its not true, lets delve a little deeper. Have you seen some successful (wo)men continue to suffer in dysfunctional personal relationships? What really stops them from breaking out? They might even be educated & financially independent.
Its the fear of being alone. We are so used to the noise around us that it scares us to spend even a few hours in our own company. We fear that we will need to face our inner most self. It might throw up questions we have buried under the hustle & bustle of life. These are uncomfortable questions. They define who we actually are.
But, if you don’t enjoy your own company, if you don’t respect relationship with your own self then, how do you expect a healthy relationship with another human being? Kind of unfair, isn’t it?
I once read that it’s most critical for us to know these three important things about ourselves: our flaws, lack & fears. We are most vulnerable to unhappy/ abusive relationships when we aren’t aware of these 3 critical aspects about ourselves.
These are tough questions & need immense introspection. Or even speaking with a trained medical professional. If you are always unhappy in your interpersonal relationships or fall in love with the wrong person repeatedly, its probably because of your flawed relationship with yourself.
I found myself trapped with a sociopath last year. It was a traumatic experience. I wish none of you ever have to face it in your lives. When I am asked which was the most important strength that helped me break out, it had to be the fact that I do not fear being alone. I am very sure of myself as a person. I do not find the need for another person to define my existence. And I especially do not like to compromise on my self-respect. Nobody should have the right to do it. Including parents, family or partner.
We cant fear being on our own. Because the fact is that eventually, we are all on our own. Our biggest responsibility is towards ourselves. We have to feed our soul with positive, happy & healthy thoughts. There is absolutely nothing to fear if we don’t necessarily have a companion in our lives.
Who set these expectations for us to have partners by 30 years of age & kids by 32? It’s a trap. Don’t fall for it. Figure yourself out first. Or else, you will perpetually fall into abusive relationships & be forever emotionally dependent.
Consciously enter a relationship when you are ready for it. When you have spent time traveling alone, eating by yourself, watching a movie alone or doing nothing at all on a rainy day. It’s a wonderful experience if you learn to respect your own company.
Fear of being alone is a myth. Nobody dies us with us. And thank God for that. We don’t want the same company upstairs now, isn’t it?
Be courageous. Know that you are all that you eventually need. Before you go sprinting to take care of more lives, nurture yours. Only a happy person, who is self aware, can truly love others.
If you are in an unhappy relationship, step back. Ask yourself what is stopping you from walking out. Please don’t fool yourself by giving excuses like society, reputation etc. Even financial resources are only a matter of time. There’s enough work for every body. Biggest reason is that you are too emotionally dependent.
Remember, we all die. Its how you live that matters. And yes, in both these events, we are alone.
Wishing you love, happiness & courage!